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Grimes' Training Regimen Is Yet Another Unrealistic Standard for Women

The eccentric musician announced the new Stella McCartney x Adidas collab in a way only she would.
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c/o @stellamccartney

Ever since Grimes stepped on the Met Gala carpet next to evil billionaire Elon Musk, she’s been an object of endless fascination for me. I’ve never once cared about her music—sorry—only her otherworldly persona, simultaneously wrapped up in herself (and her much older then-boyfriend) while also completely detached from reality. Azaelia Banks’ alleged three-day stint in her joint Musk mansion, rather than shedding a light on the odd couple, only prompted even more questions as to what the hell is happening. Grimes and Musk’s coupling had become proof that the simulation is glitching, or that heterosexual love had run its course completely. Following the Banks drama, the unlikely duo had reportedly broken up, but the legacy lives on forever. 

Now that Grimes is her own person once again, she no longer has to waste time introducing middle-aged men to acid and anime, and can begin to focus on what really makes her feel like herself. I assume that would have to be training bats to echolocate MDMA, or buying used catheters at auctions. I don’t know. Girl flies her freak flag high. The musician has been embracing her single life (I say this tentatively, as she probably has a clone) with a recent collab with Stella McCartney for their new Adidas collection. The brand has touted its new eco-friendly fabrics, choosing the artist for her firm pro-environment stance. 

“Grimes is the perfect embodiment of the adidas by Stella McCartney core values,” McCartney said of the collaboration on Instagram. “She is passionate and outspoken about protecting the planet, and a true trailblazer for pushing creative boundaries and inspiring women to unlock their potential in all aspects of their lives.” 

A recent post announcing the new line shared Grimes’ own fitness routine, and it’s very hard to tell if the artist is joking. 

“I first maintain a healthy cellular routine where I maximize the function of my mitochondria with supplements such as NAD+, Acetyl L-Carnitine, Magnesium, etc,” Grimes wrote on her Insta post. “This helps promote ATP and it’s incredibly visceral. From that point I spend 2-4 hours in my deprivation tank, this allows me to “astro-glide” to other dimensions - past, present, and future.”

She goes on to say that she spends a few hours a day practicing sword-fighting, followed by an inclined hike, an infrared sauna, and a 25 minute screaming session. She then claimed to have received experimental surgery on her eyeballs to filter out blue light and combat seasonal depression. The post lies in the uncanny valley between satire and shit we think Grimes would actually do. It’s hard to joke about what a ridiculous person you are when the most ridiculous thing you’ve ever done is date Failed Submarine Technician Elon Musk. Most of us will never reach that level of absurdity even in jest. 

Since last summer when all of the relationship drama went down, Grimes has kept a relatively low profile. Elon, meanwhile, has continued to tweet like a 14 year-old on Discord, spreading secondhand embarrassment to all who encounter him. The buzz surrounding the new Adidas line, bolstered by Grimes’ online antics, might mark an exciting new era for the musician (built on the same old weirdness), but not even fake eye surgery can make us forget about that Tesla choker

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